im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
