Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
