Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
