I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
