all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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