i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
