You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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