watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
