Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
