They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
