my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
