sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
