I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
