Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
