the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
