I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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