Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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