Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
don't judge my taste in strippers
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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