you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
