Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
