I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
