you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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