dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
