Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
