haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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