Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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