yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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