i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
