gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
