i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
