wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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