The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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