Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So much rum. So many feels.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
