Got a toothbrush?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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