Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she peed on how many people?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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