I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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