when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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