Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
