Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
