I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
