i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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