Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
