My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
