So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
