hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
