I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
