he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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