your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
