update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
