god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
