I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
